Just Say NO to Frankenshoes

When Miley Cyrus was twerking her way around in her barely there costume a few weeks ago, I could care less. Sure, she looked foolish and sticking her tongue out makes her look ridiculous but, hey, that's entertainment. What most flustered me about Miley's look was her insistence on wearing what I call Frankenshoes. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those shapeless, chunky, rubber soled shoes that make feet look like chubby stumps on even the shapeliest of legs.

Listen, I know that trends come and go. I'm currently wearing a haircut that was popular in the 1920s. And back in the late 1990's, I owned a few pairs of Frankenshoes myself. Yes, I wore them. But damn it! They were ugly then and they're ugly now! So when I saw Frankenshoes in the window of a high end shop on Oak Street, I was not pleased. Like mullets and men in hot pants, this is a trend that should not repeat.

I can actually see how the Frankenshoes work with Miley's costume. She looks like the raver kids I knew back in the '90's. (Captain Dapper was always a little too dapper for raves.) Like every generation, she's looking back and repeating a look from the past. For some reason she seems to have settled on raver kid. Ravers were the kids who wore those ugly shoes with their tight shiny clothes, glittery makeup and wild hair. They danced around half naked, gyrating and tweaking (this was before twerking) and acting outrageous. And they did it all while wearing those hideous shapeless shoes.

Come to think of it, maybe it's the shoes that are to blame for Miley's new outrageous persona! Just like the ravers of the new millennium, it's not all about the sex and party drugs. It's the Frankenshoes! The Frankenshoes are to blame for their decadent all-night marathons of house music and laser lights.

Don't fall for it, everyone! The Frankenshoes will take control of your life! Tie them on and you'll find yourself dry humping little people and simulating sex with plushies.

JUST SAY NO TO FRANKENSHOES!

Images: MTV, Jason Loper